Ode to 2012

Fuck you.

Flying Colors?!

The Week of Tests has come and gone. It was a good week. Regardless of measure, I definitely passed. If it was with flying colors, hard to know.

I learned on Thursday that the 6mm neck nodule is now only 5mm (-16.7%). I also learned that the cancer nodule in my shoulder has gone from 7mm to ~4mm (-43%). The fact that they're still there at all has me uneasy, but the win here is that they're getting smaller... and demonstrating that they are not immune to radioactive iodine treatment. So, I'm getting more. :)

I went in to the meeting with the Doctor fully prepared to accept the inevitable that more radiation is on the horizon; hell, I'd been low iodine dieting for 8 days at that point. So, my expectations were met. But it's still there -- that's what maintains its weighty grip in the back of my mind.

Others are celebrating. Colorful flags are waving; trumpets are sounding. Me? I'm celebrating that I had a great week and held up under the stress altogether. That's the biggest win of all. Also, five incredible, beat-down workouts. Another week of strict dieting and new discoveries (hello teff!). Two non-surprising treks to OHSU. A hopeful -- if not affected -- conversation with my Doctor. Encouragement from loved ones near and far.

So, yeah, flying colors. Dammit.
 

The Week of Tests

I was literally just washing the dishes and thought to myself: I can't believe I finally made it to the week of my tests... and it hit me square in the neckmeat: The Week of Tests.

• My patience has been tested for the past six months with all of this waiting. It still is. Daily.
• My body is tested each day in the gym. It SO still is. In fact, I'm still sore from last Friday's leg workout!
• My body will again be tested tomorrow & Thursday @OHSU.
• My emotional stability will be tested Thursday afternoon with results.

I can't tell you the results of any of these tests quite yet; they're all still in progress, each and every one.

But this week -- The Week of Tests -- will be telling.
 

The Window

I'm at the edge of The Window.

In this case, the Window of Time is starting in terms of my next round of treatments. Oddly, it starts only with a restrictive diet, but that means that in 14 days, I'll be undergoing my second round of Thyrogen Stimulated Radioactive Iodine Treatment.

So, it's a diet and I pop a pill, right? Can't be that bad. Know what?, it ultimately isn't. But it is a reminder that I'm not calling the shots. That I'm fighting an invisible demon. And doing so spent and emotionally tired. I suppose my level of fight has been draining over time, but I hadn't realized just how much until today: discussing the diet, thinking through a shopping list, preparing to cook, realizing that... channeling the 80's for a poor crack at humor... Here I Go Again On My Own.

My head hurts. My heart, too.