The Window

I'm at the edge of The Window.

In this case, the Window of Time is starting in terms of my next round of treatments. Oddly, it starts only with a restrictive diet, but that means that in 14 days, I'll be undergoing my second round of Thyrogen Stimulated Radioactive Iodine Treatment.

So, it's a diet and I pop a pill, right? Can't be that bad. Know what?, it ultimately isn't. But it is a reminder that I'm not calling the shots. That I'm fighting an invisible demon. And doing so spent and emotionally tired. I suppose my level of fight has been draining over time, but I hadn't realized just how much until today: discussing the diet, thinking through a shopping list, preparing to cook, realizing that... channeling the 80's for a poor crack at humor... Here I Go Again On My Own.

My head hurts. My heart, too.

Giving Thanks

I'm not sure of what punctuation to use for this title. I'm caught between a period, an exclamation mark, and a question mark. Caught? Stuck? Incidentally, I'm on a train. 50MPH max speed. Sometimes required to go only 10MPH. I'm sure there's an allegory in this...

As I look ahead to the week, we're here. We're at Thanksgiving. A time to give thanks for our health, our friends, our families. But my train to the holiday is moving slowly. I'm just not sure when I'll get to my final destination, nor what mood I'll be in when I get there.

Please don't get me wrong, I'm thankful. I really, really am. But I'm so caught up in my present reality -- one that has me fearful and questioning and emotionally taxed. No, I'm not thankful for cancer. And I'm not thankful for what I'm about to go through his holiday season.

But, I am thankful that I have the spirit about me to fight the best way I know how... to schedule next steps, proactively to seek treatment to beat this, to get it out of the way sooner than later. I just want to move on.

Then. Then I'll feel thankful.

What a Week!

Depending on how you look at it, What a Week!

This PAST week, I got my  latest blood work labs back from OSHU. Some good news and some bad news... my TSH levels are at goal! Don't ask me what that stands for, but it's the marker for how the synthetic thyroid hormones are doing. I tested at 3.8 in June and 3.3 in August. The target is 0.1-0.3. I tested at 0.29! I've obviously felt better since I was bumped up to 200mcgs this past round. I wasn't crazy throughout the summer... I do appreciate that validation!

However, the Thyroglobulin levels went from 0.2 in August to 2.4. It's not like they rose to 15, the nurse told me, but any kind of increase is cause for some concern. In short, TG levels could indicate the presence of cancer still in the body. I was also told that my natural antibody level went from 5.8 to 15... so, with the cancer marker going up and with antibodies doing the same thing, my body is obviously still fighting something. I should definitively know in about 6 weeks where we are and what next steps will be.

Speaking of what WILL BE, this NEXT week will be a doozie! First, I commence my first ever Jury Duty on Monday! Yep, first time ever summoned. Such is the draw when you change your address and move to a town. Then, it'll be a Seattle Weekend with the Winter Pineapple Classic on Saturday, a business meeting Sunday morning, and the Seahawks vs. Jets game in the afternoon! I'm thrilled to get to run the race with the likes of some incredible friends, including Jesse, Steph, Mark, Jason, Connie, Loch, Alan, and Thomas.

And I'm thrilled that this PAST week as well as this NEXT one are thoes that demonstrate I'm F*cking Thyroid Cancer, even it it's still thinking there's a fight to fight.

Oops, I did it again...

I watched Parenthood. And again, the damn writers & editors nailed it.

• The night before surgery to fight an unknown -- and unfelt -- demon. Not even knowing what the battle was for nor how to prepare for it.
• The getting of the news. And not so much what was heard, but what wasn't. Tonight's music drowned the voices. In real life, it's one's own thoughts that muddle any spoken word.
• The sharing of the future. It's going to be OK. Really? Hell, no. It doesn't feel like that. But it is. Wait, it only just might be. Or, it could be the worst possible outcome, too. It feels like all of those things. To have to choose to tell facts when the facts aren't how one feels, that's the hard part.

So, too, is watching Parenthood. I need to stop.

Damn Parenthood.

 

I don't even watch 'Parenthood'. I don't even know what time it's on. Or what channel. Yet tonight, after turning off a DVR'd show, there it was. It was a scene with the Six Feet Under husband and stunningly beautiful blonde wife sitting on a couch, definitely with someone looking to facilitate a conversation. I thought it looked like marriage counseling. Then It Hit:

"We can consider a lumpectomy to remove the cancer... it's going to be a tough year, but you are going to make it."

Really? A tough year? Understatement of the Century.

Even more of an understatement? That tonight is now going to be a tough night...

TBD

I have been working hard.
I have been working hard to Fuck Thyroid Cancer.
I have been working hard to work hard and work over this thing at the same time.
Hard work takes time; this time is no exception.

After undergoing iodine radiation therapy on 20-June, my full body scans the following week showed an anomoly in my left shoulder. My Endocronologist said it was something he'd never seen in his lifetime -- a metastasis with a pathology that read there was no way one could exist.

Well, as in all things with all of us, we are unique. In that way, I am no different. I am unique and rare. A metastasized nodule was confirmed in the humeral head of my left shoulder this past Wednesday.

At this point, the radiation may have been enough to take care of the thing. This remains unknown. And will remain so until my next scans in 6mos. "All things considered," he said, "we're in a good place. Just try not to worry until we run tests again in a few months."

So, that is my focus. That and figuring out what to do with my left shoulder now that they've also found two significant tears via the MRI! :)  A repaired right and now a torn & cancerous left. This must be the SuperPower I got from radiation! No pain! :)

The Crew

Oh Snap! I  love Big Al's!