Ode to 2012

Fuck you.

Flying Colors?!

The Week of Tests has come and gone. It was a good week. Regardless of measure, I definitely passed. If it was with flying colors, hard to know.

I learned on Thursday that the 6mm neck nodule is now only 5mm (-16.7%). I also learned that the cancer nodule in my shoulder has gone from 7mm to ~4mm (-43%). The fact that they're still there at all has me uneasy, but the win here is that they're getting smaller... and demonstrating that they are not immune to radioactive iodine treatment. So, I'm getting more. :)

I went in to the meeting with the Doctor fully prepared to accept the inevitable that more radiation is on the horizon; hell, I'd been low iodine dieting for 8 days at that point. So, my expectations were met. But it's still there -- that's what maintains its weighty grip in the back of my mind.

Others are celebrating. Colorful flags are waving; trumpets are sounding. Me? I'm celebrating that I had a great week and held up under the stress altogether. That's the biggest win of all. Also, five incredible, beat-down workouts. Another week of strict dieting and new discoveries (hello teff!). Two non-surprising treks to OHSU. A hopeful -- if not affected -- conversation with my Doctor. Encouragement from loved ones near and far.

So, yeah, flying colors. Dammit.
 

The Week of Tests

I was literally just washing the dishes and thought to myself: I can't believe I finally made it to the week of my tests... and it hit me square in the neckmeat: The Week of Tests.

• My patience has been tested for the past six months with all of this waiting. It still is. Daily.
• My body is tested each day in the gym. It SO still is. In fact, I'm still sore from last Friday's leg workout!
• My body will again be tested tomorrow & Thursday @OHSU.
• My emotional stability will be tested Thursday afternoon with results.

I can't tell you the results of any of these tests quite yet; they're all still in progress, each and every one.

But this week -- The Week of Tests -- will be telling.
 

The Window

I'm at the edge of The Window.

In this case, the Window of Time is starting in terms of my next round of treatments. Oddly, it starts only with a restrictive diet, but that means that in 14 days, I'll be undergoing my second round of Thyrogen Stimulated Radioactive Iodine Treatment.

So, it's a diet and I pop a pill, right? Can't be that bad. Know what?, it ultimately isn't. But it is a reminder that I'm not calling the shots. That I'm fighting an invisible demon. And doing so spent and emotionally tired. I suppose my level of fight has been draining over time, but I hadn't realized just how much until today: discussing the diet, thinking through a shopping list, preparing to cook, realizing that... channeling the 80's for a poor crack at humor... Here I Go Again On My Own.

My head hurts. My heart, too.

Giving Thanks

I'm not sure of what punctuation to use for this title. I'm caught between a period, an exclamation mark, and a question mark. Caught? Stuck? Incidentally, I'm on a train. 50MPH max speed. Sometimes required to go only 10MPH. I'm sure there's an allegory in this...

As I look ahead to the week, we're here. We're at Thanksgiving. A time to give thanks for our health, our friends, our families. But my train to the holiday is moving slowly. I'm just not sure when I'll get to my final destination, nor what mood I'll be in when I get there.

Please don't get me wrong, I'm thankful. I really, really am. But I'm so caught up in my present reality -- one that has me fearful and questioning and emotionally taxed. No, I'm not thankful for cancer. And I'm not thankful for what I'm about to go through his holiday season.

But, I am thankful that I have the spirit about me to fight the best way I know how... to schedule next steps, proactively to seek treatment to beat this, to get it out of the way sooner than later. I just want to move on.

Then. Then I'll feel thankful.

What a Week!

Depending on how you look at it, What a Week!

This PAST week, I got my  latest blood work labs back from OSHU. Some good news and some bad news... my TSH levels are at goal! Don't ask me what that stands for, but it's the marker for how the synthetic thyroid hormones are doing. I tested at 3.8 in June and 3.3 in August. The target is 0.1-0.3. I tested at 0.29! I've obviously felt better since I was bumped up to 200mcgs this past round. I wasn't crazy throughout the summer... I do appreciate that validation!

However, the Thyroglobulin levels went from 0.2 in August to 2.4. It's not like they rose to 15, the nurse told me, but any kind of increase is cause for some concern. In short, TG levels could indicate the presence of cancer still in the body. I was also told that my natural antibody level went from 5.8 to 15... so, with the cancer marker going up and with antibodies doing the same thing, my body is obviously still fighting something. I should definitively know in about 6 weeks where we are and what next steps will be.

Speaking of what WILL BE, this NEXT week will be a doozie! First, I commence my first ever Jury Duty on Monday! Yep, first time ever summoned. Such is the draw when you change your address and move to a town. Then, it'll be a Seattle Weekend with the Winter Pineapple Classic on Saturday, a business meeting Sunday morning, and the Seahawks vs. Jets game in the afternoon! I'm thrilled to get to run the race with the likes of some incredible friends, including Jesse, Steph, Mark, Jason, Connie, Loch, Alan, and Thomas.

And I'm thrilled that this PAST week as well as this NEXT one are thoes that demonstrate I'm F*cking Thyroid Cancer, even it it's still thinking there's a fight to fight.

Oops, I did it again...

I watched Parenthood. And again, the damn writers & editors nailed it.

• The night before surgery to fight an unknown -- and unfelt -- demon. Not even knowing what the battle was for nor how to prepare for it.
• The getting of the news. And not so much what was heard, but what wasn't. Tonight's music drowned the voices. In real life, it's one's own thoughts that muddle any spoken word.
• The sharing of the future. It's going to be OK. Really? Hell, no. It doesn't feel like that. But it is. Wait, it only just might be. Or, it could be the worst possible outcome, too. It feels like all of those things. To have to choose to tell facts when the facts aren't how one feels, that's the hard part.

So, too, is watching Parenthood. I need to stop.